Gate Wars: A Parody
by Dragonslayer3
Summary: An evil-gate bug killing empire. A Gatekeeper. Dread spacefights. You get the idea.


Gate Wars: A parody of madness.MADNESS!!! By Dragonslayer  
  
Disclaimers: This fic is MINE!!! MINE!!! MINE!!! Mwahahahahaha! Seriously, all characters mentioned from Star Wars are property of Lucasarts co. Gatekeepers and Vandread are Gonzo's, and Ah! My Goddess material from.err.lessee.Kosuke Fujishima, I think.  
  
Author's Note and Legal Yadda: This is based very loosely on Star Wars, and the originals do not act like these bunch of yuppies. This production may be viewed as a parody. Flame me if ya want, but please be light. I may pull things out of my drawers that may be familiar to you. Contains a rich amount of profanity, but that's why its rated PG. Jap vocab hyper low. I'm only a newbie (. Won't rate it as R as no 'lemon' scenes. More like 'Suggestive Themes'. Yup, More like that. Don't attempt to sue me, as I do not benefit financially from this. Furthermore, under the Fair Use Rule of the United States Copyright Act of 1976, they can't point their nuclear missiles and AK-47s at me. Chibi Reiko: And I'm filling in at the Jap vocab section, yoroshiku.ne~ Anime characters victimized (Cast): Shun Ukiya as Puke Panwalker Keiichi Morisato as Ham Sandwich Belldandy as Princess Leia (Couldn't think of a corny name) Skuld as Dead Faker Hibiki Tokai (with a voice alteration unit so whatever said is a growl) as Chewacky Reiko clones as Bug-extermination troopers Commander Shirei as Obese-One Kenotbi a.k.a Baka Kenotbi Reiji Kageyama as Emperor Pineapple Pyoro as T2P2  
  
Note: Stuntmen all play minor, dangerous roles. (Don't want to damage 'borrowed goods' too badly.)  
  
Now. LET'S GET IT ON!!!!!  
  
Dragonslayer: All hands on set! Three.two. one.and.ACTION  
  
*Insert John Williams Soundtrack*  
  
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away.....  
  
*Insert title "Gate Wars" in cheap neon light tubes*  
  
There was once goodly, republican rule in the galaxy. The Republic of Rotting Ham. Under its control worlds flourished. People celebrated. Free cheese was given out for the poor. Gatekeepers, elite and noble wielders of a power derived from another dimension where popcorn issues from atoms of the molecules of the mucus of the slime excreted from the virus that feeds on the bacteria which lives off people's shit while it is still in their digestive system, kept the galaxy safe from a mysterious threat also know as "The Invaders", as they trouped around the galaxy in their cheap 80's mafia look as a cheap imitation of the MIB. They carried around little sound bazookas disguised as suitcases and were hard to detect at customs. As this threat was slowly removed from the galaxy thanks to the efforts of the Gatekeepers, they were also slowly seen as freeloaders, sucking up government funding for cheap booze and cigarettes direct from Chorusand (These were taken from the people as tax as 'it was for their own good'). Both the republic and the Gatekeepers were mosquitoes in their eyes. Sucking. Sucking. Sucking.  
  
Then, a senator rose to power. He was Senator Pineapple, and he promised the people that he would deliver them from the tyranny of the old, 'corrupt' officials sitting on their hineys at the top in the republic. Encouraged by his revolutionary way of thinking, millions committed hara- kiri by hurling themselves violently at the senate building. Collapsing it.  
  
The rest was simple. Pineapple rose to power. He crushed the 'bugs' (Old Republic and the Gatekeepers). Proclaimed himself emperor. Ruled with an iron fist. People unhappy. Rebellion formed. Blah, blah, blahdity, blah, blah.  
  
Anyways, our story takes place on an inconspicuous, desert world. Earthen was its name. And our story involves a certain Puke Panwalker, a fertilizer farmer (he reaps from what he eats. Nuff said), found a little egg-shaped thingamajig in the desert.  
  
Puke: Neh? What this thing ere? *Picks up T2P2 (deactivated) and shakes him about* Eh! RURIPPE! WHADDYA think this is?!? *Throws T2P2 into the hand of an alarmed Ruriko*  
  
Dragonslayer: CUT!!! *Slaps head* No speaking with the audience onset!  
  
Puke: Demo.I really dunno what the hell is this! Is this in the script? *Leafs through script while camera still running* Maybe I should not have played this part...  
  
Dragonslayer: *Calling upon the mighty powers of the author to form a ball of crackling energy* Now, now! Be a GOOOOD boy and continue, unless you prefer this?  
  
Puke: Eh.  
  
Dragonslayer: IF I HAVE TO COME OVER THERE AND LOB THIS IN YOUR.  
  
Puke: *muttering curses I won't repeat here* Okay, okay! *Takes back T2P2 and places it on stage*  
  
Dragonslayer: Let's take it from the top! Three.two.one. and. ACTION!  
  
Puke: Neh? What's this thing ere? *Picks up T2P2 and shakes him about* I'll just turn it on.  
  
A hologram of Princess Leia issues from a projector on T2P2 as Puke flicked on the power switch, wearing a robe that looked like fresh, whipped cream and nothing else. Then again, maybe it was really just fresh, whipped cream  
  
Hologram: *Seductively* Obese-Wan Kenotbi, help me! You're my only hope!  
  
Puke: *entranced* Kawaii...kirei no onna desu..... (Ruriko, on the other hand, stared at him with 'nucleur meltdown' clearly written in her eyes.)  
  
*The image shuts off and Puke reacts by looking mournful.*  
  
Puke: Kawaii...  
  
Dragonslayer: CUT!!! That's a rap. A member of the audience requested a break. *Pulls Ukiya closer and whispers* Sorry boy, but tough luck!  
  
Shun: *stares at an angry, angry Ruriko* Ulp!  
  
Ruriko:*Fiercely* UKIYAKUUUUUUNNNN!!!  
  
In an effort to reduce the violence rating to at least net a PG rating, I have decided to withhold the following scene from the audience. To give you an idea, I have a collection of lightweight whiffle bats, iron bars, golf clubs and iron-shod clubs lying around here that would make any barbarian proud. The rest is left for your imagination, though it should be quite alright. Fortunately, our cast includes a goddess/part-time medic, so you don't have to worry.  
  
Dragonslayer: Okay! BACK TO WORK! Shooting in three.two.. one.go! *Back on set*  
  
T2P2: *Display buzzes with static* Unhh. Where am I?  
  
Puke: *Demandingly shaking T2P2, causing eyes to swing violently from side to side* Show that girl again, you damned robot!  
  
T2P2:*Alarmed* You're not Obese-Wan Kenotbi-san! *audience giggles at the lame attempt to rhyme it* I certaintly won't show it to you! *Floats off.*  
  
Puke: Why, you!!!  
  
As Puke begins to give chase, a small bird shoots through the air dangerously close by his ears from behind and strikes mutely ahead, embedding its beak into the dessert sand.  
  
Puke: *Spins around* What da-?  
  
A second one whizzes by and strikes home. If his shoe is considered home.  
  
Puke notices a bunch of tankees (Singaporean monk that goes into trance and jumps about gleefully for who knows what reason) prancing around with nosepipes jabbed in their two nostrils. They tended to avoid human settlements, only going there to dispense fake advice to people demanding the winning lottery numbers, but they would pounce and kill the unsuspecting, single, traveller. They were waving a flag with the word "Arrgh!" on it in one hand, and reloading their double-barrel nosepipes with armour-piercing pigeons and gunpowder.  
  
*BANG!* A tankee violently expelled the air in his lungs and fired another round.  
  
Puke: *Avoiding the birds* HAH! You missed!  
  
Angrily, the tankees went full-auto.  
  
Finally, with at least sixty rigid pigeons sticking out of him, Puke falls and slowly slips into unconsciousness. The last thing he heard was the hungry call of a desert worm-thing.  
  
  
  
Dragonslayer: AND CUT!!! That was good. That was excellent! Ukiya, you're the best. *looks blankly at Shun* err. Ukiya-san?  
  
Ruriko: *Pushes her way past Belldandy, already rushing to Ukiya side* UKIYA!!! GATE.OPEN!!!  
  
Needless to go into detail, Mr Ukiya comes to in the arms of his beloved, and they stare affectionately into each other's eyes silently.  
  
Dragonslayer:*irritated* Guys, can we all get back to work now?  
  
Skuld: What's it with humans? Why are they always falling in love so easily? Then later, they go into bed together and...mmmph!  
  
Dragonslayer: *Hand over the offending mouth* Now, now, don't say things you weren't taught to say yet!  
  
Keichii, Belldandy, Ruriko and Shun blushed so hard that it seemed their faces were as red as the sunrise at Mount Fuji.  
  
Skuld: *Hand removed* Neh? Why are you guys blushing? *Angrily picks up her mallet* KEICHII...  
  
Again, the obvious happens. When everything cooled down, filming continued.  
  
Dragonslayer: Ok, Skuld, your cue! Satu, Dua, Tiga. and ACTION!  
  
Scene switches. *Insert Empire theme song* Now at a secret battle station at an undisclosed location, at an undisclosed time, at an undisclosed room with an undisclosed table. Eight Imperial Jade class officers, namely General Practitioner, General Nuisance, General Pain, General Elections, General Problem, General Condition, General Weather and General Health sat four-aside, as they were playing Monopoly. While they were busy mindlessly trading imaginary property, the cheap auto-doors silently slid open, revealing a dark warrior. The officers understandably ignored him because of his rather ordinary black cape, black helmet, black shoes, black helmet, and totally normal breathing device and metal tube thing sticking out of a common- looking black utility belt given to the emperor's right hand doggy. They finally acknowledged his presence by grunting the way a barkeep greets a common beggar demanding the best beer in the house. Of course, you could only grunt when you are under the choking grasp of the gate of evil-mumbo- jumbo keeper Dead Faker's pool 8-ball crush-choke. True enough, they gasped for air like fishes out of water and 8-balls did issue out from their mouths.  
  
Dead Faker: I find your lack of greeting your superiors disturbing.  
  
General Pain: *Gasping* We're..*another 8-ball rolls out* ..we apologish shat we shid nosh she yuush! *8-balls started pouring out one after another, hence affecting speech*  
  
Dragonslayer chuckles silently to himself. "Skuld's experimenting with her new powers," he thought.  
  
Dead Faker: Very well, 8-ball scum. Provided that you address me as 'Papa' from now on.  
  
General Pain: *Embarrassed* Yes sir!!! I mean.err.YES PAPA.  
  
Dead Faker: GOOD BOY! Now go outside and play with the other puppies!  
  
General Pain: Yes Papa..  
  
Dead Faker: ALRIGHT YOU OTHER PIECES OF SHIT! EMPEROR PINEAPPLE SAYS THAT YOU BUGS MUST FINISH THIS BLOODY PIECE OF FLOATING METAL COMPLETED BEFORE HE ARRIVES NEXT WEEK OR ELSE.  
  
Dead Faker casually opens his gate, giving them a sneak peek into his little pocket plane where tormented souls screamed for mercy. The Generals start cuddling together and whining like Japanese schoolgirls.  
  
Dead Faker: *Grinning evilly, or rather manipulating his mask to grin evilly* Of course, you all could also call me 'Papa' instead.  
  
Dragonslayer: That's a rap! Ukiya!, Shirei! You're up next! Next scene in three. two. one. and. ACTION!!!  
  
Baka: Puke! Puke! Wake up Puke!  
  
Puke: *Wakes up with a short*Anou.ne..Baka-kun desu ka? What am I doing here?  
  
Baka: *Takes on an annoyed look for both being chosen to play 'Baka'(idiot) and for the role (multi-tasker ()* Puke, you're in my undisclosed underground hovel that just happens to be below a secret military base at an undisclosed location, at an undisclosed time, at an undisclosed room with an undisclosed table. Found you just before the tankees decided to turn you into talisman paper.  
  
T2P2: (In the background)*Sees Kahlua in the audience* Pyoro-ni!!!!!!  
  
Dragonslayer nods to Skuld. Skuld comes in. A metallic explosive sound is heard, much to the chagrin of Parfet. Stunt dummy pulled in. You get the idea.  
  
Baka: Now what do we have here? *Pulls T2P2 stunt double nearer* This little guy said that he belonged to me, though I don't remember me ever owning one.  
  
Suddenly, the undisclosed bed and chair that both Baka and Puke were sitting on suddenly morphed into an undisclosed cushioned sofa chair and they were sent down a shiny, metal tube thingy. They ended up in a large conference room, in an undisclosed. never mind.  
  
Baka: Ochiai! Run a search of all AEGIS mechanics! Find a model 'floating, home-theatre system T2P2 messenger thingy"  
  
Ochiai: Hai!  
  
Three hours later.  
  
Ochiai: No record with specs was found, Commander! The records did not state anything.  
  
Baka: Never mind. Puke! How the hell do you turn this damned thing on?!?!  
  
Puke: Oh GOODY!!! FREE SHOW!!!  
  
Ruriko: *under her breath yet shaking with rage* Ukiya....  
  
Puke: All we have to do is pass it to Rurippe over there and let her shake along with it a for about a few minutes!  
  
Everyone: NANI?!?  
  
Anyways, The rest of the hologram was finally forced out of T2P2. Princess Leia of Balderaan (Belldandy's Association for the Lame but Deadly Extremely Rare Aquatic Ants Network) requested help from old honcho as big- shot Pineapple was blockading their planet with pesticides, killing of the population. Her father requests for Baka to come and aid them to 'help save the bugs'.  
  
Baka: Ochiai! I'm leaving now. Program the lift tubes for Mos ThatfeedsonthehumanfromMars Cantina. Puke, you coming?  
  
Puke: Ryoukai! AEGIS! *Does the funny hippie hand action for peace*  
  
Baka: Oh by the way, your father wanted me to give you this. *A panel on the table opens up near Puke, revealing a sleek tube*  
  
Puke: Huh?  
  
Baka: 'Course he wanted to give you three more, but they were recalled for factory defects. The last one blew your father to a billion and two smithereens.  
  
Puke: Sou des ne.... But what's this?  
  
Baka: Mobile-Gate robot. Constructs itself in three seconds after you press that button. Batteries not included. Other accessories and customisation sold separately. Warranty void after 1 minute. The makers will accept no responsibility in the event of an unfortunate accident e.g. blowing your brains or any appendage off, death and illness.  
  
Puke: Eh? Okay!  
  
Dragonslayer: CUT! That's all for today. You may go back to your lives now.  
  
As the pair both proceed to the secret AEGIS lift system to the Cantina, it's time to close this chapter. Thank you for your time 


End file.
